Tuesday, September 27, 2011


Sorry for my silence over the last week or so. I have been unwell and physically drained. its only today that i have finally been awake the whole day without falling asleep midway through.

I thought I would write about something that I find invaluable as a parent of 5. The wrap sling, or simple piece of cloth.

I have been carrying my children in slings since Nina arrived. I used a sling back then for the reason that hubby was in a wheelchair a lot due to his failing heart, and i needed a way of moving him and a baby. So I had a stretchy wrap, and i used it on and off till she was 12 months old.

Then along came Sophie. The baby who wouldnt let me put her down from day one. Many a time, I ended up carrying her home in my aching arms and pushing an empty pram home. I bought a mei tai style sling, which was lovely, but I wanted a wrap. A lovely soft long bit of fabric to secure her to me and make her feel secure. So I bought one. And loved it. I loved feeling her close to me, the way she would snuggle down to sleep and give little sighs of contentment. Even now, at almost 3 years old, I know that wrapping her in a sling is almost guarenteed to get her down for a nap quicker than any other way. She cannot resist the sleepy cuddles.

I have been carrying steven in a sling since the day after her was born. On the day we came home from the hospital his 'first' wrap arrived. The gorgeous Didymos Negev Geckos. Beautiful shimmery fabric, which was so festive for the time of year he was born.

I wrapped him recently again in the geckos, and still love them as much now as i did when he was a newborn. They are his geckos through and through, and although I am not a sentimental fool really, I know this wrap is never leaving. The memories of my boy being carried in this wrap are almost woven in. They are so soft and cuddly. Like my boy is.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Save Lennox

I have been following the fate of this dog for a while now.

Lennox is a 6 year old american bull dog labrador cross. In 2010 he was seized from his home, and taken to the pound, based on his looks. The dog warden deemed him to be a 'pit bull type' based on looks and measurements.

lennox family have done everything right. yet their beloved family pet, and their daugters best friend, has a death sentence.

His family were in court on friday to hear their boy's fate. Court has been adjourned to the 23rd Sept.

save lennox


This dog should not die based on his looks alone.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

In search of stability

I fonally managed to get to see a GP today.

I booked an appointment 2 weeks ago to sort out my anti-depressents, and see whats happening inside my head.

Except i got there this morning, and the appointment wasnt booked. I checked to see if i had the day wrong, and i didnt have any appointments booked in.

At which point i broke down in tears. I had been building upto this point for weeks and was hoping to get things sorted a bit more.

They booked me in for an emergency appointment this afternoon, and hopefully now, in a few weeks, my mind will be more stable and i can start to find the small things enjoyable again.

Depression sucks. It sucks the life ut of you, sucks enjoyment from everything, and makes the world grey.

I am waiting for some rainbows.

The organasation of an 11 year old (or not as the case may be)

I have an 11 year old. She recently started secondry school, and now walks 45mins to get to school by herself. Today she took her bike, which she left at her friends house.

Except she forgot one vital thing. Something she has carried everywhere since she was 2 years old.

Her inhaler.

So, as i dont have a car, and still had 2 other children to get to school, I had to call on a dear friend to come to the rescue and drop Nics inhaler off at school.

The inhaler which is meant to be in her school bag at all times.

The girl is lucky we have such good friends who will drop things and come to our rescue, time and again (we obviously do the same for them as well).

If it comes to it, I will be making another lanyard type thing for Nic and putting her inhaler round her neck each morning, like a small child.


Tuesday, September 13, 2011


One of my favourite people posted this video on her FB wall. Its not her video, but its very moving. My friends son has Autism, and people sometimes refer to him cruelly as a 'retard' or 'retarded' A word that is not tolerated in this country by many, but is still is in use in many places'

Time is a healer

When my son was born, i knew i was going to breastfeed him. Absolutly no doubts about it, I had breastfed his sisters,the last two for 2years each. It came naturally to me, and i knew what i was doing, didnt i?

All went swimmingly for a while, then when he was 8 weeks old, i thought i had nipple thrush. The pain when he was feeding was toe-curling. I went to breastfeeding drop-in, and was given the all-clear for thrush but they did discover that steven had a tongue-tie. At 10 weeks it was released, and his feeding settled down a bit. Still painful but i figured he needed to relearn how to latch on, so gave it time. Except he was very slow to gain weight. I expressed and topped him up at each feed. Minimal weight gain.
I expressed fully and he was having 6 6oz bottles of EBM a day. still little gain.

I looked into loads of stuff about tongue ties and stumbled across this blog from the funny shaped woman. introducing the... 'hmm' I thought. And lifted Stevens lip. and lo and behold, a lip tie! I took this information to my health professions and felt i was fobbed off. I was diagnosed with PND, and i made the decision to put steven on formula.

Looking back i wish i had stood my ground with regards to his feeding issues and pushed for more help. I regret giving up breastfeeding, and if i was in the position again i would push for another referral to OMF to correct a lip tie as well as tongue tie.

I am slowly trying to comes to terms with not breastfeeding steven, its hard as every now and then he still nuzzles for the breast and i think about trying, but i know it would be hard work trying to relactate and i dont think my mental health could take another battering if it didnt work the second time round.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Keeping sane

Another week started.

Another week of stress.

And fun :)

First kicking off the fun was our grocery shopping being delivered this morning. The joys of having a large family is the shock on a delivery drivers face when he delivers to our house. The sheer amount of food is shocking to some, let alone when you factor in laundry detergents and the suchlike.

The driver must've thought we were ntters today with what he delivered. freezer stock, 2 carrier bags full of shower gels and shammpoos, 18 pints of milk, several loaves of bread, enough meat to have come from one pig etc etc.

But the freezer had been empty in the last few weeks, bar some ice poles for the children and emergency nuggets and chips (yuk). Its now full to bursting, and i had to put some in Ralphs freezer (the dog has its own freezer, yes).
The cupboards are now fully stocked inc pasta, rice and sophies staple of baked beans.

The fridge is also packed.

But the thing I'm stroggling to put away is the 10 boxes of laundry tablets. yes 10 boxes. why? because they were on offer, plus hubby has a 15% discoiunt this week instead of 10%. so we took full advantage of that.

So now, I have to find more room somehow in the kitchen this afternoon to get this all orgnaised.

Either that or get another washing machine and set up a laundrette in the kitchen....

Saturday, September 10, 2011


Today has been hard.

The blackness has been there all day. cant shift it.

Sobbed earlier at the tangle of emotions this has left me in.

I WILL get better. I have to. I am an emotional wreak, and its not good for the children.

I love my family so much, and hate how much this must be hurting them. i am distant, sobbing and angry.

Hopefully they wont hate me in years to come for how I am now in this short period of time.

Friday, September 9, 2011


two weeks ago i fell over outside the house. Splat on my side. I hurt my hand and wrist but iced it and it seemed ok.

On Monday the hell-hound tripped me up. And I fell again on the same hand.

Today my hand is really sore, so i went to A+E. They have deemed it ok, no breaks etc, so just to try and keep it moving. Hardly hard to do with 5 children to look after.

Feeling a bit sorry for myself, so will drown my sorrows in a cup of tea and a starbar in a bit :)

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Plaster on a smiley face and all will be ok.

Woke up to Steven giggling away, which is always a good start.

The housework can wait, it will still be there later (probably to my long-sufferings husbands annoyance hehe).

Today we went to Positive beginnings play session. I hate the name of the group, to me it implies that if you dont go then you wont be giving them a positive beginning, ack. But its good for messy play, painting, garden play and they grow veggies there as well. We came back with some runner beans for tea. Sophie painted four paintings, made some playdough (which i think some other child took home, but not to worry as we have loads here anyway which i made in the holidays), played with rice krispies, and REFUSED to sing. She had her grumpy face on and woe betide anyone who looked at her, they got the evil death stare from her. lol.

Steven slept through a lot of the session but woke towards the end to play with Felicity and Ethan.

So today seems better, not the best, but better. Which is a bonus.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

So Down

Since the birth of my first daughter almost 12years ago now, I have suffered post natel depression.

It took a back seat after babies 2,3 and 4, and reared its ugly head again after Stevens birth.

It has taken over my life, robbed me of my confidence, stopped me being me, has made me paranoid and anxious, and turned me into a shouty mum who i dont like to be.

I have been medicated since the spring and until recently I have been ok, not great but ok. But lately the meds dont seem to be working as well. i have an appointment next week to sort things out and get new medication maybe, or an increase.

I dont want to be like this anymore, and I dont want to hide it behind a facade of 'hey i'm ok' because I'm not. I am struggling, and i dont, dont like it. Not one bit.

I want to be me. I want to be confident. I want life back how it used to be.

I dont want to be pushing away those that love me the most, and hurting them becuse of the blackness thats engulfing me.

I will get out of this pit, I think i just need a longer ladder than before.